Misfit Mumbles

Its Friday 25th January at exactly 6.17pm. I’ve been home from work about an hour and have already lapsed into my usual Friday Night Loners Ritual consisting of mixing some speed up in half a beer and downing in one, getting a load of joints pre-rolled for the long night ahead with my best and only friend - me.

I could complain about the lack of friends and how at the age of 36 I should have a well established circle of friends that I’ve collected over the years - that’s the norm isn’t it? Thats what I thought 30 somethings are supposed to be like - but it hasn’t worked out that way for me. I could sit here on a Friday night and let it be exactly like any other night - just spent alone in front of the TV. But part of me still clings to the concept of seperating the working week from the weekend.

Back when I had friends, Friday night was when we would hit the town - London. Probably a club or at least a hardcore pub crawl around the west end and ending up at one of those pizza bars where you can buy a triangle of greasy cheese and bread for a quid. And that’s where the speed comes in. I used to use it in my clubbing days. I’ve tried virtually every drug in my time and I will talk about those experiences some other time - but speed was always my club drug of choice. The reason - it made me into the sort of person I wanted to be all the time. I was confident, chatty, happy and fun. I had so many great experiences and have so many crazy memories - all thanks to my friend speed. Those memories I have of being witty and chatty with women I’ve never seen before - or getting up on stage at a club and making a fool of myself in front of so many strangers and being applauded for it - the women whistling at me and hooting. Wow, I didn’t have a care in the world.

But those days are gone. But just for this one night a week (or every two weeks sometimes) I down a bit of speed and feel that buzz again. Sure, it would be nice to share the buzz with friends like I used to - but when I’m buzzing I don’t care if I’m alone. I stick on some R&B and grind around my flat and remember how it used to be. By the end of the night I’m sweating from all the dancing. I usually lose about 4lbs in weight just from my speedy Fridays.

So here we go again. Now where’s that stereo remote…

Today is a Thursday.  I got up at 7.45am when my Mum called me on the phone (if she doesn’t, I don’t wake up in time).  It was dark and gloomy.  I threw the covers back on my double bed and the cold air snatched at me with long fingers.

Got to work at 8.50am.  The boss was out all day so a more relaxed day ensued.  Everyone seems a little more at ease when she isn’t around.

I can’t say today was a good day.  I did feel relaxed though which was a lot different to yesterday.  Because yesterday I had to hold a meeting with my team (of nine women) to tell them that there job roles were changing.

It wasn’t what I had to tell them that put me on edge.  It was a combination of two other things.  One, that I had nine pairs of eyes casting their gaze on me as I spoke (public speaking isn’t something I used to yet as a Manager) and two, one of the women in my team is a young, attractive, fit woman who makes my heart leap whenever she is near.  Feeling her eyes on me made me feel like a clumsy six year old.  I blushed and stuttered my way through the meeting and the experience left a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the day.

I was okay by the evening though and enjoyed a night of ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Simpsons’ as well as a good workout.

I also cleaned the bathroom.

Today though was a little better in terms of feeling relaxed and I had a few decent conversations with people.  But it was a slow day and I felt dulled by the lack of interesting work.  The normal ‘buzz’ of the office was missing today and I’m not sure why.

I’m feeling tired at the moment so I won’t waffle too much.  Just wanted to drop a quick line.

It’s Christmas Day 2007 and as always, it’s a day of reflection.

Once upon a time many moons ago Christmas was a time of warmth, family, giving, receiving, sometimes snow, sparkling lights and smiles. But since my Dad died in 2005 Christmas has taken on a different context.  It’s hard to explain to anyone who experienced the loss of a loved one, but if you were close to that person as I was to my Dad, then everything seems to have an empty quality to it.  As though things are hollow.

Despite this, Christmas day so far has been great.  I’ve spent time with my two boys (special thanks to their mum for letting me go round there) and saw them open all their presents.  Seeing the wonder in my six year olds eyes as he came downstairs and saw the presents under the tree was truly heart warming.  He raced to the hallway to see if the cookies and the milk had gone - which it had of course.

I’m not sure if Christmas is a good time for reflection.  I’m just going to focus on the good things, like the love of the family that are still with me and the joy of having two such wonderful children.

This is the very first post of my new blog “Misfit Mumblings”. The purpose of this blog is for me to reach out into the World Wide Web and see if I’m not as much of a misfit as I thought.

You see, I’ve never felt part of this world. Always the odd one out. Not that I look too weird or anything. Although I am 6ft 4inches tall so I do stand out among the more vertically challenged among us. But other than that, people would never know how much of a misfit I have always felt. Unless they take it upon themselves to talk to me, then it became increasingly obvious to them that something about me “wasn’t quite right”. Not that other people have actually said this to me (not to my face at least), although my Sister once told me that my Mum had said to her that she “thinks I’m weird” or words to that effect. I can’t remember how I reacted to that at the time but I think I was a little upset.

So to sum me up… I’m socially inept and inadequate, feel like a fish out of water whenever I step outside my front door or come in contact with others and for the life of me I can’t figure out what the hell I’m supposed to be doing here on this planet. Do you ever get that feeling?

Well I’ve had that feeling since I can remember. I was a very sensitive and shy child and always felt different to the other children. The only time I ever felt comfortable was when I was with my Mum. I felt safe then. But if somebody should come round to the house to visit my Mum I would hide in the dark shoe cupboard under the stairs and stay there until the visitor left. At first my Mum would try to get me out of there, but after I protested so fiercely so began to accept it and let me stay there out of the way, and as far as I was concerned, away from harm. No wonder she thinks I’m weird.

I remember that I even made up a weird little scenario in my head to help me feel more comfortable when I was outside. I pretended that everyone else on the planet knew that I wasn’t supposed to here on Earth and that I was in fact from a distant world and the whole population were keeping it a secret from me until I was old enough to understand. Then eventually, I would return to my Home Planet with gratitude to the people of Earth for protecting me. My god, was that any way for an 8 year old to be thinking? What the hell is wrong with me??

And now, at the age of 37 I’d love to say that things have improved. But the truth is, I’m scared more now than ever. I’m an adult now - supposedly, but under the skin of this male adult body lies the quivering, frightened little boy who just wants to hide in the cupboard under the stairs and feel safe again.

By the time I was about 10 years old I was feeling a sense of impending doom. I could foresee the end of my childhood approaching fast and I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what was on the other side. I have an older Brother (7 years older) and Sister (6 years older) so they were my glimpse into what my own future might have in store. And I didn’t want it. They were both extroverts and enjoyed the company of others. They saw me as their sensitive little Brother who was a deep thinker and would eventually become a banker or something equally boring. But they knew I wasn’t and never would be like them. Although, even to this day - they haven’t stopped trying.

“Why don’t you get out more?”, “Get out there and meet people.”, “Its not right to stay in all the time.” etc etc

My response to these sort of comments are always a variation on a theme. “I’m okay, I don’t need to go out” or “I’m fine, I don’t get lonely or anything.” But the horrible truth is I do get lonely. Except when I don’t. I do want to be more sociable and make friends. But I don’t know how or even if I could ever find a friend that would be on a wavelength remotely near to mine.

Well, thats enough mumbling today. More tomorrow.